


Malicious Orthography

by violasarecool



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Agender, Agender Character, Agender Terezi, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Bigender, Bigender Character, Gen, Humanstuck, NOT a love triangle, Nonbinary Character, Other, Pocstuck, Polyamory, bigender vriska
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 17:53:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4886152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violasarecool/pseuds/violasarecool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I’m a barista and you’re the obnoxious customer who comes through and orders a venti macchiato while talking on the phone the whole time so I misspell your name in increasingly creative ways every day AU"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Malicious Orthography

**Author's Note:**

> a concept i started after seeing a prompt list, this one struck me as very vrisrezi

The first day, it was pretty slow, so when someone strolled in on their phone, not bothering to even take it away from their ear while ordering a venti skinny mocha with soy milk―and, get this, two added shots of chocolate syrup―Terezi wasn't really that bothered. "Yeah, I'm just getting coffee," they said into their iphone, waving a credit card as if this would somehow make the coffee _appear_ in their cup.

Ok, maybe slightly bothered.

 

The second day, it was pretty busy, understaffed, and Terezi hadn't had time to take eir break yet; ey were still mopping up the mess from Nepeta's unfortunate run-in with a spilled iced latte (Equius showed up minutes later in his van to take her to the hospital, and with the amount of blood pouring from her arm Terezi was just _waiting_ for a text saying she'd need stitches). As ey finally finished cleaning up the floor by the blenders, a cough caught eir attention.

"Excuse me." Terezi looked up to see the person from the previous day tapping the counter with impeccably manicured blue nails, iphone held a few centimetres from their ear. "How long am I going to have to wait to get my coffee? I've been standing in line for at least ten minutes."

Terezi glanced around; Aradia had stepped in to cover, but for some reason they were currently nowhere to be seen. Maybe they had to fill out some injury paperwork or something. One of the baristas, Jane, shot em a sympathetic smile, and Terezi shrugged. "Sorry, I can help you here."

"Thank _god._ Yeah, I know right?" they said into their phone. "Service around here is _awful."_

Terezi stared at them, fighting the urge to make a comment about the clientele, and instead, just said: "What can I get you?"

"Venti skinny mocha with soy milk, two shots of chocolate syrup. Oh, by the way," they said, attention back on their phone, "I need you to take a look at that file I sent you this morning... I don't care if you have shit to do, so do I."

Terezi held up a cup. "Name?"

"Vriska."

Ey scribbled out a series of hasty loops that somewhat ressembled letters. Not like they would notice if it was less than legible.

 

The third day, they came in on the tailcoats of a group of cranky old people who demanded to know the ingredients of every item, changed their order three times, and complained about slow service the entire time. When they stepped up to the counter, their phone up to their ear, Terezi was relieved when they just stopped playing with their braids long enough to hand em a piece of paper with their order scribbled on it.

"Okay, so what you're saying is you'll do the grunt work, the _easy_ work, if I risk being hospitalized by breaking the news to this Henry guy that you completely and utterly fucked this up for your company." Terezi rang up the total, and they stuck their card in the machine. "Right. No, of course not."

Terezi reached for a cup. "Name?" ey asked, glancing behind them at the coming and going of customers.

"Vriska," they mouthed, then walked away, chattering loudly on their phone once more.

Terezi scrawled a word that ressembled _Friska_ and tossed the cup on the counter.

 

By the fourth day, Kanaya was working Nepeta's shifts while she recovered (just 3 stitches, but she wouldn't be lifting much for a while), and the two of them were trading bad customer stories between orders when _they_ walked up to the counter. "Speaking of," Terezi muttered, plastering a cheery grin onto eir face as ey turned to greet them. "Hi, what can I get you?"

"Yeah, I know... oh my god, you're joking. No, not even close, I need three times that." They yawned widely, white teeth standing out from behind dark nude lipstick. "Yeah, venti skinny mocha, soy milk, two shots of chocolate syrup."

Terezi brushed off the urge to roll eir eyes by reaching for a cup. "Name?" They didn't reply, still talking into their phone, one hand flicking at their long braids. "Excuse me."

"What," they snapped, "I'm on the phone."

"Can I get your name?"

"Vriska," they said, then turned away again.

_Rispuh,_ they wrote with a flourish, dotting the 'i' so sloppily it smeared across the rest of their name.

After they'd taken their drink and left, Kanaya slid over to Terezi. "Do you get that one very often?"

Terezi snorted. "Only three times so far. Hopefully it won't happen again."

"No kidding." Kanaya stepped away to take another customer's order. Ten or fifteen minutes later, there was a lull, and Kanaya leaned against the counter, watching Terezi hand off a steaming paper cup. "Do you ever think about... getting an asshole customer's order wrong?"

Terezi glanced at her. "On purpose? God, all the time."

"I would probably do it most days if I wasn't afraid of being fired," Kanaya said.

"Yeah, but you could also seriously fuck someone over," Terezi said. "I have an aunt who's not only lactose intolerant but _also_ allergic to milk. They might be pretentious dicks, but they might also be allergic to caffeine or something."

"If you're allergic to caffeine," Kanaya said, "what are you doing at Starbucks."

Terezi laughed. "On one hand, _yeah._ On the other hand, I could eat like five cups of the whipped cream here, and the chillers are _awesome._ "

"True."

 

On the fifth day, they were halfway in the door when a rock song began playing from their pocket, and they pulled out their phone and walked back out the door. Terezi breathed a sigh of relief.

Fifteen minutes later, they were back, and _still_ chattering away on their phone _._ If they were still going to use the damn thing through their order why did they even step out? Terezi watched glumly as they stepped up to the counter. "Don't be ridiculous, even if I _suggested_ that kind of thing he'd take it as an insult and I'd be out on my ass before you could say 'wow Vriska that's a great idea'. Gotta be subtle with these egomaniacs." Terezi snorted, then quickly composed eirself as the person, Vriska, glanced up. "Venti skinny mocha with soy milk, and two shots of chocolate syrup. True... God, though, that's such a waste of time. Yeah, I know." Terezi rang up the total, and Vriska waved a credit card, waiting for a second before slotting it into the machine. "Oh, by the way, did you hear? Tavros _finally_ found a coop placement―"

"Tavros?" Terezi said without thinking.

Vriska glanced up. "Excuse me?"

"Uh, sorry," ey said, "that's just someone I know."

"Ok..." Vriska gave em a weird look, then glanced away. "No, just some Starbucks lackey, I don't know." Terezi made a face, reaching down for a cup. "Anyway, yeah, he's gonna be working at this tiny firm that I've never even heard of, what a loser, right?"

Terezi coughed, and shot them a glare. "Name?"

"Vriska," they said, glancing at em distastefully before walking to the other end.

Terezi grabbed a pen. Wr _istcat_ ey wrote, making sure the misspelling was clearly legible this time. What a douchebag.

 

The sixth day, Kanaya nodded at the door as it opened; Terezi turned slightly, then rolled eir eyes as ey saw Vriska come in. Ey turned to the next customer, watching out of the corner of eir eye as they joined the line.

When Vriska finally reached the front of the line, Terezi was still dealing with a customer ("No, we don't have pumpkin spice until closer to autumn. Ok, I understand, but we _literally_ don't have it in stock until then, I've got nothing to give you"). When Vriska stepped up to the counter where Kanaya stood, Terezi fought back a grin. _Thank fuck._

Terezi was just finishing up with eir customer (they decided on a macchiato instead), when ey glanced beside em. To eir surprise, Vriska was talking to Kanaya, phone held against their shoulder.

"Really, I don't know how you can work somewhere like this," they said, as they retrieved their credit card from the machine. "You ever thought about doing an internship?"

"Not really," Kanaya said.

"Too bad. I know a guy, you know, he could totally set you up with something in your field."

"Thank you, but I'm fine where I am." Kanaya grabbed a cup. "Can I get your name?"

"Vriska," they said. "And you know what," they reached into their bag, pulling out a pen, "why don't I give you my number as well, in case you change your mind."

Terezi stared as Kanaya's cheeks reddened. _What??_

The customer in front of Terezi tapped the counter. "Ma'am?"

Ey frowned, the word grating."Sorry." Ey rang up the total, acutely conscious of Vriska strolling over to the other end of the counter for their drink. Terezi glanced at Kanaya, but she didn't look up. As Terezi reached for a cup, ey nudged her with eir foot.

Kanaya glanced over at em briefly, waiting for the next customer to make up their mind. "Hm?"

"What was that about?" ey murmured, before turning back to eir customer to get their name. Ey tossed the cup on the counter.

"Nothing, really." The customer in front of Kanaya decided on a tall cappuchino, Terezi's finished up and paid, and they moved on to the next in line, the baristas a flurry of movement behind them.

When they both finally had run out of customers for the time being, Terezi prodded Kanaya on the arm. "So."

Kanaya raised an eyebrow. "So?"

Terezi rolled eir eyes. "Vriska?"

"...Is a name, yes."

Terezi waggled eir eyebrows. "They were totally flirting with you."

"I don't know," Kanaya said stiffly, "she was more focused on trying to set me up with a job."

"Oh, she?"

"Uh," Kanaya frowned, "I don't know, I was just assuming."

"Ah." Terezi ignored the uncomfortable feeling in eir gut. "Why were they trying to get you a job?"

"She complimented me on my outfit, and asked where I got it," Kanaya said. "This happens to be one I made entirely myself."

"Wait, she wanted to get you a job in _sewing?_ " Terezi exclaimed.

Kanaya nodded. "Evidently she knows the owner of the textiles store downtown."

"But you could do so much better with your activism stuff." Terezi made a face. "I thought you were gonna say they commented on your bracelet," ey said, nodding at the black band on her dark wrist (the inscription read: #BlackLivesMatter).

"Sadly, no," Kanaya said. "But not to worry, while making my own clothing is nice, I'm not interested in pursuing a career in seamstressing."

"Good," Terezi said fervently, stepping up to the counter as a group of teenagers crowded through the door.

 

The seventh day, Terezi got them again.

Vriska stepped up to the counter, phone at ear. "Venti skinny mocha, soy, two shots of chocolate syrup."

Terezi punched it into the machine. "Can I get you anything else?"

"Nope." Vriska glanced away, then back, frowning. "Hang on," they said, phone drifting from their ear, "aren't you the one who keeps misspelling my name? Like, not even misspelling, what was it _last_ time, Wrist cat??"

Terezi fought back a snort. "Sorry, what was your name?"

Vriska," they spat. "Need me to spell it?"

" _Please_ , feel free," Terezi said, the side of eir mouth twitching.

"V-R-I-S-K-A. You got that, or do I need to write it for you?"

"I think I might just have it," Terezi said, grabbing a cup, and scrawled Vriska's name.

Vriska raised their eyebrows. "Well?" They made a turning motion with their finger, and Terezi stared for a second, incredulous, before turning the cup to face them.

"Does it suit your majesty?" The words were out of eir mouth before ey could think better of it.

Luckily, Vriska's only response to the taunt was a glare. "It'll do."

"And how would you like to pay today?"

"Credit, if that's not _too much trouble_ for your _obviously_ _preoccupied_ brain."

"Not at all."

As Vriska strode over to the other end of the room, Terezi grabbed the cup back and drew a crown over their name, then as a final touch, wrote a tiny HRM on it.

As Vriska took their drink, they stared at the cup, then shot a glare at Terezi, who returned them a wide grin. They stormed out the door, clicking heels followed by an anticlimactic woosh as the door closed behind them.

Terezi had the feeling that this wasn't over yet.

**Author's Note:**

> just a bit of a drabble-style prelude to something i won't write more of hahha  
> i imagine kanaya and vriska will date for quite a while before terezi and vriska get over themselves and their little feud and go on a date  
> (kanaya jokes about threesomes but terezi's only comment is that they've known each other so long, ey've seen her boobs plenty of times without needing to seduce her)
> 
> please _don't give me crit_ , constructive or not, even if you feel the need to point out a typo, i would appreciate it if you didn't. i do this for fun, and once i've posted something, i don't really want to think about it critically anymore. thanks.


End file.
